Choices and Beliefs

I was raised Catholic in a way that is perhaps unique only to Catholics, meaning that it was more of an identity than a belief. I almost never went to church as a child. I only dressed up and made an appearance for First Communions and Christenings and occasionally on Easter. I was, however, forced to go to CCD for ten years. I was sent to learn about my religion and to receive the sacraments--Reconciliation, First Communion, and Confirmation. In my ninth year of CCD I announced that I was done and had no desire to finish and be confirmed. I did not want to be Catholic. My mom laughed and told me I was crazy and couldn't choose not to be Catholic. "You are Catholic", she said, "saying you don't want to be Catholic is like saying you don't want to be Irish. You can't change it. You were born that way." And so I was confirmed.

I took the name Elizabeth in honor of my new patron saint--who must have been very important and done some very important things--and promised to live my life as a good Catholic.

Although my dad's family has always been religious, he was not. He agreed to be married in the Catholic Church and to have us raised as Catholics and even went as far as attending our rites. His own beliefs were never shared, however, and I am not sure if that was because he didn't give it much thought or he knowingly kept them to himself to prevent conflict. As a result, my mother was the biggest religious influence in my childhood. My mom always shared her belief in God and the importance of prayer, but never pushed attending church as a means of getting closer to God. She doesn't question his existence and has no doubts that one day we will all be together in Heaven. She taught me that the bible probably isn't entirely true, but that it was divinely inspired. She compared biblical stories to fables, in that they were both written to teach us a lesson about how people should behave and treat one another. To this day, both types of stories provide me with more confusion than guidance. Don't trust talking serpents? Leave something better than trails of breadcrumbs when walking through the forest with your brother Hansel?

As an adult, can I simply choose?
Last fall I attended a Catholic wedding, and for the first time ever I made the choice not to get up and receive communion. I may be stuck being Catholic, but I will no longer act on it.

I believe in God. Not because I want to, but because I do. It just feels right. I don't necessarily believe that humans were made in his image, but maybe. I don't believe the bible has anything to do with anything. I don't know if I believe in Heaven, but I once did and I desperately wish I could just choose to believe again because I find solace in the idea. I don't believe in prayer. I believe that God, in whatever form he takes, truly does know all and that there is no need for me to get down on my knees and beg for the health or life of a loved one. He knows what I want. He can see it in my soul, but he will let life take its course whether I like it or not, whether I ask for it or not.

I do, however, stop to tell him I am sorry. To make it clear when I have done something wrong and learned my lesson. I fear punishment if I willingly do wrong, but I have no expectation of reward if I pray. Is that illogical? This all happens in my head. I don't go to church or talk about it with others. Sometimes I think maybe these discussions really are just between me and my moral compass and that there is no God. I think I would be okay with that too. It's personal and it should be.